- my thoughts n ideas -

For a little while now I've been looking into a lot of resources for Aro/Ace people. I'm not ace, but I like understanding what my fellow non-relationship havers go through, especially since I'm the opposite of Asexual. One thing I did notice, however, is the lack of personal anecdotes from Allo/Aro people. I understand my own experiences through and through, but what about others? I don't see it that often and I feel a little alienated because of it, especially as someone who practices the "allosexual" part of my identity a lot. If no one else is gonna talk, then I may as well do so. I might not be the first, but I'm probably gonna be the most open about it all.

So, what is my experience as an AlloAro person? It all kinda started when I was a very, very reckless teenager, high on hormones and barely understanding my own identity. I wanted nothing more but to be in love with others, and boy did I go about it all the wrong way. I already had a very warped perception of relationships ever since I was young, witnessing my parents having a pretty dysfunctional one and being neurodivergent, giving me an inherent disadvantage at understanding the behaviours and emotions of others. There was a part of me that wanted to be loved very, very badly. Everyone does, of course, but I especially did. I don't really understand why, especially when romance made me feel a sense of shame and discomfort on the inside.

At some point, I ended up becoming very openly offput by romance. I found it to be sickening in a way; seeing it all as very fake (Keep in mind, these are the thoughts of a then-14 year old). I had already faced a lot of sexual manipulation by that point in my life, having become hypersexual as early as 9 years old and stumbling my way through teenhood with the idea that romance as a lead-up to sexual relationships is unnecessary and disingenuous. No one ever displayed romantic feelings for me, they've only ever presented me with sexual advances.

As if all that is terrible enough, I believe the final nail in the coffin was the events I described in my previous writings. That relationship was my final romantic relationship, at the age of 17. For the first time, I thought I could've had something, experiencing romance in the same way everyone else does; only to have it ripped away from me, all to boost the ego of an abusive manipulator. I was done.

As I grew up and recovered from that situation (which took, and still takes, quite a bit of therapy and is something I'm still trying to untangle to this very day), I settled on the label of aromantic. I've sort of identified as it in the past, but was always unsure (as teenagers usually are when it comes to identity). This time, it was set in stone, and I feel comfortable in that way. I cannot give someone a romantic "I love you", it disgusts me when I hear it from myself. I feel pretty okay with the label of 'romance-repulsed', even though that sounds quite negative. That's the "aro" part of me, I believe this is a good segue into the "allo" part.

Sparing the details, I learned to control my unfortunate hypersexuality created by early childhood trauma. It took me an embarrassingly long amount of time to get a grip, really. After my stint in fandom and many other events I do not wish to talk about, I had quite the wake-up call to shut down that part of myself. Nowadays, I enjoy my sexuality in safe, private and consensual ways. I will be very open in saying that I don't commit myself to anyone, I have had multiple sexual partners, and they've all been wonderful people who respect the fact that I do not desire anything romantic with them. Even though its from trauma, my sexual activities mean a lot to me in a way I don't think I could really put into words without getting too detailed. It may seem like I'm totally devoid of love since I cannot feel or express romance, but I'd beg to differ; the way I display love is being sexual with others who want/feel the same thing! I see it as a form of romance, myself, though explaining what I mean by that is incredibly difficult as well. Only people like me would really understand it.

So thats ... Basically that, I guess? I may have been too detailed, but relaying my experiences as someone with an admittedly very rare set of labels is important. The notion that AlloAro people, especially those who are open-relationship/poly and non-committed like I am, are just whores ^{(though I do often joke that I am one, lel)} who do not care for others, or cannot express love or intimacy because it does not fall into society's boxes of a "normal" display of love, is just plain untrue. I hope my written-out experience is a testament to this.

"Cancel culture", what a vile name for the phenomenon. I wish there was a different one, but that's just the one the internet has settled on whether I like it or not. I'll just refer to it as that here, but just know I do not like that name, but I don't have a better suggestion for it.

Fandom and cancel culture go hand in hand, both of which I have a lot of experience in; mostly the latter. A few years ago, I was falsely accused by an ex-partner (who I will refer to as L) of sexual abuse in the last fandom I was publicly a part of. Such claims have been proven thoroughly false and, as far as I know, L is somewhere else on the internet doing whatever the hell and most likely perpetuating his lies, despite knowing they are all wrong. If there's anything I know about him now that he has not dropped, it's his obsession with victimhood.

His actions aren't the only thing I want to talk about, though. Rather, the consequences of them and expanding it into the bigger picture of cancel culture and the subsequent trauma that comes from it. I don't want anything I say to be a direct allowance of terrible people to get away with heinous actions, either. This is speaking purely from my personal experience and why I, as a "victim" of such a thing, believe the internet has been absolutely corrupted by it.

Being on the receiving end of false accusations... It's something most internet users, especially fandom people, do not have experience in. I remember it like it was yesterday. I had just recovered from a previous round of false accusations (of which the 'victim' has rescinded their statements), I had a relationship that seemed totally consensual, and L turns around and condemns me for x y and z directly after the first set.

To be more specific, he lied about being sexually abused by me. He consented to everything we talked about, but as soon as he smelled blood in the water, he told everyone in some baseless twitlonger about how I basically raped him over the internet.

It's hard to explain the turmoil and scrambling that comes directly after, epsecially because these accusations are NOT light ones to make at all. The scrambling to put together my own statement, witnessing everyone who I trusted immediately turn around and throw the worst things at me. Even now I'm having a hard time writing about it because it's hard to put into words even 3 years later. I don't think I can emphasize enough just how evil I believe most fandom members in general to be; disgustingly radicalized, blind to the nuances of the world and interpersonal communication. They're all like children, immature children who only think in absolutes, brains rotted from the polarizing landscape of social media, and I say that with zero regrets. I've witnessed those who loved me turn around and not only just condemn me for things that were false, but I faced real ableism and especially racism for little reason except for "Well, we all have a reason to do so now!", especially from self-proclaimed white "leftists" who swear up and down they stand up for minorities. Is it any surprise that L himself, and all his friends, are white? Only anti-racist when its convenient for them. It makes me sick.

Having experienced nearly everything terrible under the sun that a fandom could do; from doxxing attempts, the aformentioned racism, the ableism, the insensitivity to my own past of being sexually manipulated and abused in real life and online, it is no surprise I have developed C-PTSD from it all. For all the suffering L claimed to have faced from me, I have experienced far, far worse by his actions, taking advantage of a set of false accusations in order to lobby his own against me, all for his own social gain. I do not like talking up my negative traits, but being vulnerable about them is important. I became socially reclusive online (hence, why I only have a website and youtube), I feel sick whenever I have to put up with social media related topics and drama; a visceral reaction that I don't think anyone else could understand, I have been enlightened to the disgusting, sickening state of the internet, and anyone who wants to deny it is a sheep to me. I do not say such a thing lightly. The absolute spiral of a breakdown I went through cannot be put into words, I lost my mind through and through, I became an entirely different person, my psyche destroyed for a good few weeks. I've never left deeper cuts on my body until then. Ever heard of "beans" before? If you have, then you'd know.

To think that in every other corner of the internet, there are people who have been hurt like I have and do not have the strength to push through it, let alone speak about it, is terrifying to me. I may have grown up from the immature 'lying-about-being-18' 17 year old, but for every 'me', there a hundred or more similarly immature people who are hurting. And I can never reach out to assist them with my experience, because they are (rightfully so) hiding and scrambling to save themselves like I have. I can't put into words how much that hurts me.

The only positives that have come from my experiences are me being able to deal with these types of situations well, I'm not on the internet as much anymore and I've realized the value of spending time outside and making friends that know me personally instead of just a god damn username. I'm still unsure on whether the trauma I faced makes it all worth it. I like to believe it does. I just wish it never happened to spare myself of all the pain, so that I wouldn't have such a terminally online and admittedly ridiculous trauma attached to me, but I wouldn't be who I am today without it. Those who do not admit it is a form of trauma or "not as bad" as other traumas will never experience this, and when they do, they will definitely eat their words.

The takeaway?... I'm not so sure. The internet wont change from this cancel culture bullshit as long as idiotic fandom-brained tiktok/tumblr/twitter users exist. None of them will ever understand my pain and trauma, for they are the ones who seek to perpetuate it for their own social standing. I only write all this as a way to, maybe someday, have it all heard by someone who has experienced the same thing.

I hope that L, wherever he is now, one day experiences even a fraction of the trauma he and his friends inflicted on me. Perhaps then would he regret his actions, something he never displayed even to the bitter end of it all. Absolute sociopath.

Only a sociopath would lie about being sexually abused. A sociopath who cares little for the trauma of others, the seriousness of sexual abuse as a topic and crime. I hope his sinful lying remains a heavy weight on his shoulders for the rest of his miserable life, for he made my own life a living hell for the forseeable future all for his own gain.

To anyone who may be reading that has went through this same thing; stay strong. I know there is no handbook for dealing with these types of situations, but in due time, things will get better. Just trust yourself and stay with those who know the real you. The internet is not your friend, do not expect it to treat you as one.

What does pump mean to me... As an autistic/adhd person, that's something I think about a lot. I've been obsessed with the game since I was a teenager after floating between interests, not knowing who or what I was for the longest time.

I definitely interpret the game way differently than most players, thats for sure. I don't think I've met someone who uses pump specifically in a 'transformational fandom' sort of way like I do. obsession_inc's definition of transformational fandom differs in a sense that I don't do the things I do from a "fandom"-ish standpoint, pump (or any other rhythm game for that matter) doesn't have a community that functions in such a way. However, I believe that what I do (that is, take the ideas and music of pump it up and kinda just... mush them up and twist them around to my sensibilities and in ways I can easily grasp) falls under transformational fandom in some way. In this, it may seem like pump is sort of a "side" to my art/characters and that I could take it or leave it, but that's not true at all.

The things I do and draw, that is, create humanized interpretations of pump it up songs that seem unrelated to their source and create a story out of it, are only half of what pump means to me. The game itself is very important to me. Even though I've made quite a few social blunders in irl community spaces, I've been able to fit in with my peers very nicely in recent years. I've made a lot of new friends, learned so much about the game from them, I get outside and work out because of the game (hence, touch grass, which more people nowadays need to fucking do!)... In that way, it means a lot to my social life and mental health. Without it, I wouldn't be nearly as stable as I am now. I cannot stress how important it is for autistic people to find a way to integrate their interests into real life or have a third space outside of the home. It has taught me so much about how to function in groups of neurotypicals, when to mask/unmask and when to know it is safe to do so. I'm very much so able to separate my weird OC shenanigans from my real life business; masking, in a sense, but I'm okay with that. Not everyone needs to know about my weird little guys.

Speaking of my weird little guys, in what way do they relate to why touching grass is important to my mental health? I'd say it's the other side of the coin that is my autism. I've always been obsessed with the idea of taking a thing and turning it into something else. I'd say I picked that up from Jojo's Bizarre Adventure; it sort of slips people's minds that the stands are just an indirect personifications of songs they're named after. I've done this sort of things with BMS and Osu before I landed on dance games, it's just something I have the intense urge to do so I can understand something easier. What I mean by "understand" is hard to explain, though. Think of what I do as... Enriching my little autism creature in my head. Pump it up by itself, removed from my OCs, is something I'm very autistic for/about.

I have a sort of "different" understanding of charts that I'm not sure if others feel or not, and I'm too afraid to ask. They give me a sense of "internal movement" when I learn how to read them, and reading charts comes very naturally to me. I don't need to study much. This is why I've shifted from stamina to tech/gimmick. It excites me in a way I can't explain (not sexually) when I play the game and read charts. I'd say this is my "main" form of giving nutrients to my autism creature, one I can share and talk about with other players; my mask, and one that I enjoy keeping up. My OC's, however, are like the dessert to my autism creature. They're the "fandom-brained" part of me that I grew up with from living on tumblr and deviantArt (for better or for worse). Not many rhythm gamers are "fandom-brained", and so I keep it to myself and my close friends... And that's okay! It's uniquely mine, it's something that's a little too convoluted to explain to other players, and I'm fine with not telling them. After all, I don't need to share my ice cream with my friends, only the appetizers.

So, what does this all mean to me?... It means striking a balance between being autistically "me", and being "me" in a way that others can understand as well while also not completely masking myself. It means the equilibrium of my mental, emotional and physical well-being. There's nothing more important than caring for every part of yourself, especially if you are autistic/adhd, even if that entails making really weird OCs and stories that quite honestly are a little removed from the source material.